


You've Made Me Color Blind

by MerthurIsMyOTP



Category: Hatari (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Boys Kissing, College, Cousin Incest, Cousins, Denial of Feelings, Discovery, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Porn, Emotional Sex, F/M, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Femdom, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Kink Negotiation, Kissing, Light BDSM, Light Dom/sub, Light Masochism, Light Sadism, M/M, Miscommunication, Multi, Panic Attacks, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Resolved Sexual Tension, Romantic Friendship, Safe Sane and Consensual, Safewords, Self-Discovery, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Threesome - F/M/M, sub!Klemens, switch!Matthías
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:35:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22636867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MerthurIsMyOTP/pseuds/MerthurIsMyOTP
Summary: For reasons that are still unknown to him, girls see it as a challenge to sleep with both Klemens and him — comparing them. Because they’re cousins? Or always hanging out together? Matthías wouldn’t know. When Deborah asks them for a threesome, they’re all in for it. But the threesome reveals feelings Matthías wasn’t aware he had.--Basically, Matthías finds out he has feelings for Klemens through a threesome and doesn’t know what to do.
Relationships: Klemens Nikulásson Hannigan/Matthías Tryggvi Haraldsson, Klemens Nikulásson Hannigan/Matthías Tryggvi Haraldsson/Original Female Character(s), Klemens Nikulásson Hannigan/Original Female Character(s), Matthías Tryggvi Haraldsson/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34





	1. Best Friends

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first part of a three-part story! Let me know what you think <3 (If you by default know you will not like this story, please find something else!)
> 
> Credit to @DecidedlyUndecidedly for proofreading, who made this fic perfect as it's now ^^
> 
> (Chapter titles from the song 'Bang the Doldrums' by Fall Out Boy)

Matthías hadn’t known what to expect from college before he went. Even now, being _in_ college, it’s still a mystery to him. Everyone around him seems to know what they’re doing, where they’re going, how to act. Matthías is forever grateful he has Klemens to cling onto to help him out. He’s never been the most outgoing and social person. He prefers just hanging out with friends. Small parties. Heck, he likes playing board games more than grinding against some random girl at a bar. Klemens likes those parties, though. It’s for his cousin’s sake he’s going to them at all. He doesn’t exactly hate it. He just feels terribly out of place. 

Now, after three months, he’s starting to understand it a bit, though. He still feels awkward as fuck and would never go by himself, but it’s not as bad anymore. He knows what to say to the people around him to make sure everyone keeps having a good time – the first time he went, he apparently hurt a girl’s feelings by telling her he didn’t want to sleep with her. Klemens had told him he had been right to say it, but he shouldn’t have been so blunt.

Lesson learned – and he did find a few girls that he’d been interested in after all. He’s ashamed to admit that apparently, he’s starting to like it as well. The attention. The sex, of course. College wouldn’t be college if word didn’t spread fast, and for reasons that are still unknown to him, girls see it as a challenge to sleep with both Klemens and him — comparing them. Because they’re cousins? Or always hanging out together? He wouldn’t know. It was becoming a trend, though. Girls would come up to him saying something along the lines of “Hey Matthías! I banged Klemens yesterday… Would you like to sleep with me as well?”

The first time it happened, Matthías had nearly choked on his drink. She’d giggled and nudged his side. “You’re cute. Different from him. I would love to try you both.” Matthías was not used to girls being so… outspoken. He couldn’t say he disliked it. He admired their bravery. He’d agreed, and from there the challenge had spread. He liked sitting down with Klemens and talking about the girls they slept with. He knew the girls did the exact same thing by comparing them, so he didn’t feel particularly bad for talking about it. The sex they had with Klemens was often very different from the sex he had with them. But when it came down to it, he and his cousin liked the same things. For a reason Matthías couldn’t explain, he appreciated that specific piece of knowledge.

At this very moment, they were headed to a bar not far away from campus. It was a Friday night, and Klemens had nudged him earlier today, asking “Matthías will you please come along? I don’t have nearly as much fun when you’re not there.” Matthías, being a good friend and needing to blow off some steam after a rather stressful week, couldn’t turn him down. Klemens was almost giddy as excited as he was. “Deborah has been dropping hints at me all week. _Deborah_ ,” he sighed happily. “I bet she might be able to tame me.”

“Klem!”

“It’s true! Most girls are too sweet for me. You know that.”

“You don’t even know if Deborah will be there tonight.”

“She didn’t confirm, but I told her where I was going and I’m quite certain she’ll show up.”

“I just don’t want you to get your hopes up.”

“Hush, Matti. I’m fine. I hope you haven’t lost your earplugs this time cause it’s gonna be a long night!”

Matthías shook his head and laughed. Sharing a dorm room was already an adventure without them bringing girls in. Klemens grinned at him, enjoying their night out already. He had to admit that Deborah would indeed be a good match for Klemens. He’s heard stories about her. Apparently, she’s quite kinky and Dominant. His cousin doesn’t need another girl to do sweet vanilla lovemaking with – no matter how nice and pretty. He needs it hard and fast and rough.

Was it weird to know that? He had no idea.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you, Einar can’t make it tonight. He’s got exams next week and wants to use his weekend studying and napping.”

“Too bad. He’s right to do so, though.”

“Yup, he’s a really smart guy-” Klemens says as he flashes his ID to the security guard before walking in. _Discipline_ by _Nine Inch Nails_ surrounds him like a warm blanket all of a sudden, and he leans in to hear the rest of the sentence, “-unlike us!” Matthías grins and looks around. So many familiar faces and yet he has no idea who these people are. He just knows they’re here every Friday night just like them. 

It doesn’t take long before Deborah shows up. He’s impressed. He only shares one class with her – Klemens shares half of his curriculum with her – but she still hugs him as if they’ve known each other for ages. He’s glad to be included like that. “So lads, what’s up tonight?”

“We’re perfect, now that you’re here,” Klemens winks at her. “But on a more serious note, I’m very happy you could make it!”

“So am I, I couldn’t resist an invitation from a pretty boy like you.” Klemens blushes at that, and Matthías can’t help but grin. He really must like her then. He can see why. She’s slightly taller than him, beautifully curvy with long brown curls framing her tanned skin. For an Icelandic girl she looks almost exotic. Her father is Greek, so that’s probably the reason why. She’s gorgeous. 

He should give them some time together.

“You want a drink?” he asks them and then tries to squirm through the crowd in front of the bar to order. It’s jam-packed, so it takes a few minutes for the bartender to notice him. He honestly doesn’t know how anyone gets the attention of those people. He soon gets his drinks though and makes sure to keep an eye on them – not wanting to get either of them drugged – and walks back.

Deborah and Klemens have found their way to the dance floor. He stops and stares at them for a bit. They look good together, he must admit. He didn’t understand why Klemens liked her at first. She was by far one of the most popular girls in school. The exact type they usually tried to ignore. But she’s different. She seems genuinely interested in them. In his cousin. He smiles.

Soon, he’s dancing with them. He tries to sneak away, but Klemens stated out loud that he didn’t have to, which Deborah wholeheartedly confirms. From all the bars they go to, this one must be his favorite. They play good music, that is. The Cramps, Judas Priest, Green Day and more. Klemens is in the girl’s arms by now, grinding his hips against her while she traces his sides. She is so into him; it’s so obvious. By this time, he’s honestly considering going back to the campus dorms and ask Einar if it’s okay to crash there. 

But before he can suggest that to Klemens, Deborah yanks him in as well. “So, I heard you boys have quite the reputation,” she starts. “You’re both hot as fuck, and just tell me off if I’ve crossed a line here but, would you guys be interested in having a threesome with me?”

The question startles him, and his eyes search for Klemens right away. He seems surprised by the offer as well, but is raising his eyebrow as if to say ‘I’m cool with it, up to you to decide.’ Matthías is grateful for Deborah bringing this up before either of them had a second drink. They’re sober enough to think about this. Should he do it? It’s his cousin. He’s never had a threesome. How does it even work? Does he want to sleep with Deborah? His thoughts are a big mess. But, on the other hand, her question did ignite the soft buzz of arousal underneath his skin. He’s only trying to make up excuses to say no – which he can’t think of. He already shares pretty much everything with Klemens anyways. Isn’t it almost the same thing for a girl to sleep with both of them separately or in one go? And Klemens seems to be up for it.

“I…” he hesitates. “Klemens, what do you think?”

“I’m down for it. If you are?” Deborah nods and smiles at him. “It’s okay if you don’t want to. Or if you’re not sure we can go to your room and just see what happens? And you can always, at any point, still say no.”

That’s what he needed to hear, and he suddenly feels way less troubled about the offer. He does want to try. He’s just scared.

“In that case, I’ll be more than willing to try it. I’m not experienced with it however, don’t hold that against me.”

“I won’t. I’ll be happy to teach you,” Deborah grins and caresses his cheek. “And from what I heard about you, it’s going to be an amazing time.” Now it was his turn to blush.


	2. Ex-Friends Till The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to @DecidedlyUndecidedly for proofreading this chapter as well! <3
> 
> (Chapter titles from the song 'Bang the Doldrums' by Fall Out Boy)

They’re silent as they walk back to campus. It’s only minutes away from the bar they’d been at. It’s not an uncomfortable silence. Not for Matthías, at least. The cold wind blowing on his face is a very welcome contrast to his worked-up body. He can’t quite wrap his head around this yet. He’s never been opposed to the idea of a threesome, but he didn’t think he’d ever find himself around people that might want to do that with him. How did he even end up in this situation? What will it be like? He knows Klemens has more experience with this. He figures Deborah is quite experienced as well. Would you walk up to two men and ask so casually if you didn’t? Probably not. It doesn’t matter anyway – who and how many people they’ve slept with. He just hopes he’s able to live up to their expectations.

It doesn’t take long for them to reach the campus dorms, and their room is located right next to the entrance. Matthías’ heart is pounding in his chest as Klemens unlocks the door and sways it open. Deborah, who is standing right next to him, puts her hand on his shoulder and gives it a little squeeze. “You still good with this?” Clearly implying that if he wants to back out, she won’t hold it against him. She is so gentle and considerate. It settles most of his nerves, and he nods. “Yeah, just nervous. Despite this reputation of mine, I’m not a natural like Klem.”

Klemens turns around at that and shakes his head. “Everyone is different Matti, don’t compare yourself to me. We like you for who you are. Right, Deborah?” 

Deborah agrees right away and smiles at him. “You’re sexy in your own way. Believe me. I wouldn’t be here otherwise.”

Matthías decides he has to take their word on that. It does sound logical, and it makes him feel a lot better. He doesn’t like overthinking this so much. Because dammit, he wants this as well. “Well, in that case, this is where we live.” He switches the lights on and is glad he’d urged Klemens to tidy up this afternoon. “Do you want anything to drink?” Deborah shakes her head and chuckles softly as Klemens moves their beds together to create a makeshift double bed.

“Deborah?”

“Hmmm?” She looks up at Klemens.

“How kinky do you want us to be? Do you have hard limits or other things we should know about?”

“I’m pretty open — no body fluids aside from spit or cum. I don’t do anything that might damage any skin. Spankings, however, are very likely if you’re as naughty as you say you are.”

Wait. They’ve talked about this before?

“For me edging is good, no denial though ” Klemens continues. “- and no sensory deprivation such as blindfolds or earplugs. Other than that, I’m good.”

Klemens kicks his boots off and sits down at the edge of the bed. Matthías is still slightly confused by the fact they’d been talking about this before, which does explain Klemens’ confidence in her showing up tonight. It’s nice, though, knowing that they don’t have to go through every single thing now. Klemens will protect him. His cousin knows him well enough to know what kind of situation he got him into. If Klemens trusts Deborah to be safe, she is. It’s his turn to answer now.

“Uhm. I agree with all the things you both mentioned. Just don’t slap my face, please.”

“You’re a switch, right?” Deborah asks gently. “What would you prefer right now, or do we just see where this goes?”

“I think I’d rather sub tonight.” Matthías is so overwhelmed he wouldn’t be able to be in control right now. Surrendering is what he needs. Klemens lets out a little moan at that. 

“We’re going to be such good boys for you, Deborah.” He sounds so needy and obedient it nearly makes Matthías’ heart leap out of his chest. He’s discussed Klemens’ preference to sub. Explained it in detail. But it’s nothing, absolutely nothing compared to actually get to see him like this.

Matthías takes this as the start. “Safeword is red, Miss?” he asks, his voice shaking in anticipation. 

“That’s right, and don’t feel bad about using it if you need to. If you just need things to slow down, use yellow. Green means you’re all good.”

“Understood.”

“Perfect. Now, please kneel for me, boy.”

Matthías drops to his knees instantly. He hasn’t wanted to sub for anyone in a long time, but something about Deborah makes him wish to surrender right away. He just wants to stop thinking, get out of his mind for a bit. Just feel.

“Klemens? I want you right up here as well. Come.” His cousin quickly makes his way off the bed, and Matthías can feel his warm presence right next to him. He’s never thought about doing such things with Klemens together, but as they’re kneeling in front of Deborah, everything just clicks. He has to control the urge to reach out and hold his hand. To shuffle closer to him and feel his body against his own. He feels strangely drawn to the boy.

Deborah undresses while they watch. She does it ever so slowly. Teasing them. When she’s fully undressed, she tangles her fingers in both Klemens’ and Matthías’ hair, tugging just the right amount to ignite the burning sensation in his stomach and making his cock twitch. “What to do with you pretty boys…” she whispers fondly, slowly bringing their faces closer toward her. He can smell her. He’s so close, and he strains to get closer. He wants to make her feel good.

“You first, Matthías.”

He dives right in, and as he tastes her on his tongue, everything becomes hazy. His entire body is burning with desire. The grip on his hair tightens, causing him to moan into her as the pain makes him even harder. She tugs sharply, forcing him backward. He looks up at her, pleading. She shakes her head. “Don’t be greedy now, Klemens wants a taste as well.” On her cue, Matthías glances sideways, only to be met with Klemens’ eyes looking back at him. Klemens’ lips are slightly parted, his gaze fixed at Matthías’ probably shiny-looking lips. Matthías blushes and tears his gaze away. Lust surges through his veins, and he catches himself wanting to close the gap and have Klemens lick Deborah’s taste off him. He wonders how much alcohol there had been in his drink after all.

Deborah must see the signs clearly. How could she not? She utters a barely audible “oh,” and Matthías feels like disappearing. Will she stop?

“Klemens, look at me.” The blond boy looks up, his shoulders drawn up with tension. Is he feeling the same? “Color?” she demands then. Klemens doesn’t waste a second and breathes out a quick “-green.”

“Matthías? Color?”

“G-green.”

Deborah gently releases the grip on his hair and strokes the back of his head. “You know,” she starts carefully – weighing the impact of each word as she speaks them. “Boys kissing other boys have always been a great turn on for me.”

Neither of them reject that idea. Neither of them move back. Matthías is dizzy with spiraling thoughts of what might happen next. He doesn’t move an inch. They’re bordering the edge of this turning out to be either fantastic or a disaster. 

“Klemens? Move closer to him.”

Klemens shifts, and Matthías whimpers as he feels his cousin’s shoulder against his own. He can’t help but shift closer as well, and he hears Klemens’ ragged breath clearly now. They’re static. “We all know what I’m about to say. If you don’t want to, this is your chance to back out.”

“I… I want to,” Klemens whispers. Matthías just casts his eyes down and nods.

“I thought so…” Deborah whispers, her voice ever so tender. “Such pretty boys. So good and brave. Matthías? Lick me again. Real good and messy. Klemens is going to lick it off your lips, so make sure there’s plenty for him. Klemens? Sit back and watch. I don’t want your eyes anywhere else than on him.”

Matthías shivers at the idea. Slowly, he moves forward and buries his face between her curvy thighs again. This time, every movement he makes elicits a moan falling from her lips. He’s hyper-aware of the fact that Klemens is watching him do it. His cock is painfully hard in his jeans. He tries the very best he can. He wants to please them. Please both of them so badly. Suddenly, he feels Deborah move, and then, out of nowhere, his head is yanked back and Klemens is there. Just inches away.

“Have a taste, Klem.”

Klemens swallows. “Is this okay, Matti?”

“Please.”

Klemens groans and closes the gap between them. His lips are so soft and warm. Matthías is sure he’s dreaming. A warm feeling spreads through his chest as he slowly parts his lips to give Klemens access. The other boy takes his chance right away. Matthías feels drunk on pleasure as their tongues finally touch. He leans in, kissing him harder. He wants it so badly. Wants this feeling to never ever stop.

“Fuck,” Deborah gasps, looking down at them,”-I can’t believe how hot you are. Do you like kissing him, Matti?”

Matthías whimpers and nods without breaking the kiss. He can’t. “Such a good boy for us, aren’t you.” He moans, pushes himself closer against Klemens. Finally daring to reach out and carefully gripping him by his shirt. The other boy growls, and his hands find their way underneath the hem of his shirt. Fuck. Oh fuck.

“Klem-” he chokes out desperately. Klemens slowly leans back, their lips reluctantly drawing back from one another. They just stare at each other. Klemens’ eyes are looking at him so fondly, filled with lust. Matthías wonders how they’ve gotten themselves here.

And how they will ever look at each other again afterward.

Deborah interrupts his thoughts by stroking their hair. He closes his eyes, blissful as her fingers trace across his scalp. “You are going to undress yourselves. No show, I just want you both naked. Want to see how hard you are. Then, we’re going to have even more fun.”

Matthías licks his lips, Klemens’ taste still lingering on them, as he moves away from them both to have space pulling his shirt over his head. They’ve seen each other naked so many times, but this time it makes him slightly self-conscious. He doesn’t spend too much time thinking about that, though, eager to listen to Deborah’s command. His gaze is fixed on Klemens though. He never quite realized just how gorgeous he is. And when Klemens takes off his underwear, Matthías wonders what he’d taste like.

This is so bad. They’re doing something so utterly wrong. He feels a shameful blush rising to his cheeks. He knows they should change the scene. Back to pleasing Deborah only. But he doesn’t want to. He wants to keep going like this, no matter how much he might pay for this later.

“Alright, Matthías? I want you on your back on the bed. Klemens, get up and get you and Matti a condom. Enjoy the view while you do.”

“Yes, Miss,” comes the blond’s loyal reply, his voice dripping with desire. Matthías bites his bottom lip as he scrambles up to do as he’s told. Deborah smiles, kneels on the bed next to him and curls her fingers around the base of his cock. He gasps, his head pressing into the mattress. He hadn’t realized just how much he’d been craving a touch. “Matthías, honey, look at me.”

He does, her warm and gentle gaze making him feel so fuzzy and accepted while going through all of this. “You still good?”

“Yeah,” he breathes out, and a high-pitched moan leaves his lips when she then starts stroking him. “Look at him, Klemens. Isn’t he a gorgeous little mess?”

“Very,” Klemens whispers.

Matthías wants to sob – he’s so overly stimulated both physically and mentally that he’s not sure how much longer he’ll be able to handle this. In the very best way possible. And they haven’t even done that much yet.

“Give me a condom, Klemens.” He does. Deborah rips the package open and very slowly rolls it down on Matthías cock – sending waves of pleasure through his entire body. She crawls on top of him, grins, and then slowly lowers herself down onto him.

“ _Helvítis_.”

She feels amazing around him, and he closes his eyes in pleasure. “Oh fuck, Matthías, so good.” She leans forward to kiss him, grinding her hips down into him. He reaches out, holding on to her hips tightly as he tries to move along to her rhythm. Her lips are hot and demanding, he has to kiss her back. Her curls tickle his face, but he doesn’t care. He likes being overwhelmed by her presence, feeling her everywhere. On him, around him. Her ankles underneath his hamstrings to keep him from squirming.

“Klemens, come here-“ she manages to say in between her kisses. “Get the condom and then behind me. I want you both inside. Want you to feel each other.” She stills then, looking over her shoulder to send him a playful grin. “Come, sweetheart.”

Matthías can’t see what’s happening other than that. But he feels the mattress sink where Klemens kneels behind her. Feels the soft brush of his fingers across his thighs. And then, the sweet comfortable pleasure of being inside Deborah intensifies when he slowly presses inside of her. They all whimper at the amazing feeling of being so close together. Their cocks touching, inside this beautiful Goddess on top of him. He can’t.

“Please, Klemens. Fuck her. I need…”

“Hush, Matthías. Patience.” Deborah cuts him off, but she gives him the most devilish smile as she herself starts to move. She’s all leaned forward, Klemens laying on top of her. They’re too far to kiss, but close enough to look at each other’s face while they’re relishing in the sensation of their cocks rubbing together. It’s the most intimate he’s ever been with anyone.

He doesn’t think he’ll be able to last long.

“Klemens?” Deborah gasps. “Get me off.”

Klemens is right on it, his hand snaking around her waist, his experienced fingers finding her clit in an instant. Matthías sees the way her eyes flutter shut as he does so. He reaches out further, his fingers digging into Klemens’ thighs. They’re a moaning mess — all three of them. Their bodies move together perfectly in sync. As if it was supposed to be like this. Matthías is a lucky guy, seeing both their faces as they lose themselves.

“Deborah-“ Klemens whimpers. “-I can’t hold it off much longer.

“I’m almost there. When I get off, you can.” She growls and moves more ferociously now. Grinding herself against his touch. With a few more rolls of her hips, she comes. Her jaw drops, a long, loud shaking groan leaving her mouth as she does. Matthías gasps when she clenches around them. Again. And again. And again. Deborah’s movements falter, Klemens picks up. Slamming into them, his breath hitching. It’s the sight of the blond completely losing himself that causes Matthías’ body to surge forward and come – harder than he’s ever found his release before. His hips stutter up, Klemens gasps, grunting, throwing his head back.

“Come for us, Klemens,” Deborah demands him. “Y-Yeah… I… Oh!”

Klemens stills, pushing himself as deep inside of her as possible. Her eyebrows drawn together, his lips parted. Then, he completely relaxes and wraps his arms around their blissed-out bodies. One of his hands sneaking around Deborah’s waist, the other caressing Matthías’ cheek. They don’t say anything for a while. Just cuddling, bathing in the aftermath of their high. They’re no longer inside of Deborah, but still feel as close as they ever could be to one another.

After a while, their condoms are discarded in the trash, and Matthías gets a couple of towels for them to clean up. Deborah gets up and starts dressing again.

“You’re not staying?” Klemens asks her, a pout on his lips. She slowly shakes her head, smiling at him. “I think it’s better if I don’t. I’ll see you in class on Monday, pretty boy.” She gives him a light peck on his lips, then turns to Matthías. “And you too, handsome. I had a great time. Thank you for giving it a shot.” She gives him a light kiss, and then grabs her bag. Waves at them, and then she’s gone.

Matthías and Klemens… They have no idea what to do next. It’s awkward. What do you say to someone after you just had terrific sex you probably should never ever tell anyone about? In the end, he figures he just lies down in his own bed, underneath the blankets. Klemens joins him silently, as their mattresses are still the makeshift double. His hand sneaks underneath the sheets, holding Matthías’. And just like that, with their fingers interlaced, they slowly drift off into a deep sleep.


	3. Better Off As Lovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credit to @DecidedlyUndecidedly for proofreading like a boss ^^
> 
> (Chapter titles from the song 'Bang the Doldrums' by Fall Out Boy)
> 
> I know I said there'd be three chapters. Well, there's a fourth coming for certain. Perhaps there might be an epilogue.

Matthías hurries his way toward the lecture hall. Since he crashed in Einar’s dorm yesterday everything has been shit. He barely slept at all and he dozed off again after Einar had left to his lecture - only to wake up again 5 minutes before his own lecture would start. He won’t make it, but if he’s fast enough, he might be lucky enough to only have missed the introduction. He curses silently at himself for letting this situation get the better of him. Since sleeping with Klemens and Deborah – everything has gone downhill. Fast.

He doesn’t want to think about it. He’s been trying so hard to forget how natural it felt to wake up in Klemens’ arms this morning. The blush that rose to his cheeks when Klemens had smiled and snuggled closer to him. He simply can’t deal with Klemens being affectionate anymore. Not now he knows that the fondness he has for his cousin is sick and twisted.

He walks straight through the self-study area and freezes. At the back end of the space, there’s Klemens and Deborah. Klemens is clearly upset, Deborah holding him tight in her arms and pressing a kiss on his forehead. She must have felt his presence because her eyes shoot up and find him staring at them. Matthías feels a surge of panic rise in his chest. He takes a sharp breath and turns around, walking back. He can’t walk past them. He can’t.

“Matthías, wait!”

Matthías doesn’t listen to Deborah’s call and keeps walking. His breathing speeds up, his gaze fixed at the nearest way out of this damned building. He needs to get out of here. He needs air. Did Klemens figure it out, then? Did he tell Deborah how fucked up Matthías is? Oh fuck. What if they tell other people as well?

He pushes the door open and, once outside, slumps down by the nearest wall and fights the tears filling his eyes. Take a deep breath. One. Two. He doesn’t want to cry in public. He will not break down. _Turn everything off. Just like back then. Nothing can hurt you. Stop feeling anything at all._ The emptiness fills him, and his breathing slows down. _There, that’s it._

He takes one more deep breath. Getting back up on his feet and steadying himself. A small voice in the back of his mind is trying to yell at him, saying he shouldn’t make the same mistake by not letting himself feel anything at all. But he doesn’t listen to that voice, no matter how much he knows it’s the truth. He can just cut himself off for a bit. Just for now. It’s fine. 

There’s no use in trying to get to the lecture anymore, and it’s the only one he had today. He should probably just go back to the library on the other side of the building and get some revising done for his exams next week.

Which is what he does.

\---

“I think it’s time you talk to Klemens.”

Matthías looks up from his books, startled. He’d spent the entire afternoon in the campus café studying and was just about to pack his bag and leave. Deborah is standing next to him. He can’t read the expression on her face, but her voice sounds restrained. Like she’s trying to refrain from saying something she might regret later. She’s a better person than he’ll ever be.

“Don’t go all silent on me, Matti.” She sits down in the chair next to him, shoving his books away from him slightly. Matthías doesn’t know what to say to her. “It’s been two weeks. Klemens is miserable. Do you know how upset Klemens was when he came running to me that morning after you announced you were going to Einar’s place?”

He does. Klemens had probably figured out how much of a monster Matthías was at that point.

“Talk to me, at least. I thought we had a great evening, you know? If I misread that or if I pushed you too far, I want you to know I’m very sorry about that.” Matthías quickly shakes his head at that. He doesn’t want Deborah to think this is her fault. Without her, he might have taken longer to realize what he truly feels toward Klemens. She only sped up the process.

“I had a great time, Deborah. Don’t question that.”

“Then I simply don’t understand why you’re neglecting Klemens right now. He thinks you hate him, or that you’re disgusted by him. I simply can’t accept that to be the truth unless you tell me it is, but then you’d simply be an asshole. Which you’re not. I know you’re struggling with something. Talk to me.”

“I can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Deborah, I don’t understand why you’re even trying to talk to me.”

“Because I want Klemens and you to fucking talk to one another! It’s obvious there’s more going on here, and simply being too selfish like you are now is not going to help you two at all.”

Matthías snorts, knowing he is an asshole right now. “He’s better off without me.”

Deborah shakes her head and glares at him. She doesn’t say anything for a moment. Just staring him down. “I can’t believe you, you know that? I can’t believe you’re the same Matthías I had kneeling in front of me. That Matthías was sweet and open. But now? You’re such a coward. It’s a disgusting trait, you know that? Toying with people’s feelings like that and then pretending that nothing happened because you can’t admit that you’re scared.”

That makes him think twice, her words cutting through him.

“Then what do I fucking do?” He hisses, getting frustrated by the fact that her observation is right. Frustrated that she is making him think about it again. “How is talking going to fix anything? It’ll only make things worse.”

Deborah nods slowly at him.

“You don’t know. That’s it. And exactly why you should talk to him. You are being a coward, but I now understand why. I thought you’d been lashing out at him for his feelings for you. You’ve been so scared you don’t even see just how much he cares for you. You’re in the same boat. You can figure this out. Together.”

Then, out of nowhere, she pulls him in for a tight hug. Just as she had hugged Klemens two weeks ago at the self-study place. It’s a bit awkward, given the position they’re in on two separate chairs, but Matthías finally relaxes into her arms. Until now, he hadn’t realized just how tense he’d been. Her arms feel safe. And solid. The warmth of her hands burning through his hoodie.

“I understand why you’re scared-” she whispers, “-but all three of us know what happened that night, don’t we? I know, Klemens knows… It wasn’t just a threesome.” She pauses. “Otherwise, you two wouldn’t be evading each other.”

Matthías – who’s gone through the past two weeks on autopilot – finally feels tears filling his eyes again as his feelings come surging back to life. He’s not sure whether he wants to make it stop or let it all out. If Deborah is right, and Klemens truly feels the same way… It’s more than he could ever hope for, and it terrifies him to his very core.

“I’ve got you,” the girl whispers to him softly. “You’re safe with me.” He returns her hug, resting his forehead on her shoulder and closes his eyes.

“Why are you not freaking out,” he breathes out, his voice less steady than he hoped it would be.

“Because… Love happens. You don’t get to choose. I’ve seen you together, remember.”

“Still.”

“No. Not for me. I can’t give you any solid advice other than going at it together, Matthías. I can’t tell you what to do. But you two know each other better than some married people ever might. Use it.” He nods against her shoulder as she speaks. The way she’s wording it, everything makes so much more sense. She makes it sound doable instead of the big scary thing he’d thought it was until now. Deborah rubs his back gently. She didn’t have any obligation to come to talk to him. To help him. But she had. Obviously for Klemens’ sake as well, but the way she’s holding him confirms she’s doing it for the both of them.

“I don’t know what- how to thank you.” He sits back and looks at her. She shakes her head. “You don’t have to.”

“I guess I’ll go try and see if Klemens still wants to see me then.”

“He’ll be thrilled to see you. Believe me. Make sure he knows right from the start that you don’t hate him in any way possible. Cause that’s what he believes right now.”

“Fuck. I really messed this up.”

“Make it right.”


	4. And Not The Other Way Around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Chapter titles from the song 'Bang the Doldrums' by Fall Out Boy)

Another week has passed since Deborah sat down with Matthías to tell him he should man up and talk to his cousin. It’s been a struggle. Einar has asked multiple times if there’s anything he could do to help ease Matthías’ sleepless nights. If he should talk to Klemens on Matthías’ behalf. But Matthías told him it’s best not to. He wants to be the one to speak with Klemens, but he has no clue how to make it work. A public conversation is obviously not an option – you can’t go around yelling that you liked sleeping with your cousin. That’d be bad. But what’s another option? Klemens won’t allow him into their dorm room. Texting is way too bland; you can’t discuss something as delicate as this over text. Imagine it created another misunderstanding, that could be a final blow. Besides, he and Klemens have always promised each other they would tackle problems face to face. If he texted him now, that promise would have meant nothing. He’s waiting for the right moment to come – even though he knows it’s nothing more than a lousy excuse. The right moment will never happen.

Perhaps he should have another talk with Deborah. She was there. She’s seen what happened. She doesn’t judge them. She might be able to help Matthías tell Klemens just how much he misses him. He knows he has his creative writing class with her this afternoon. He could try to sit down next to her. He knows it’s far from ideal, but it’s the most solid plan he’s had until now.

“Matthías?”

Matthías freezes right in his tracks. He’s not very good with voices, but this one has been haunting him in his dreams for the past three weeks. Scolding him in some, moaning loudly in others. Not leaving him until he wakes up, panting and scared or turned on. It’s Klemens. It can’t be anyone else. There’s only one person who lets his name roll off his tongue like that. Matthías swallows and turns around.

“Hey?”

“Hey.”

“Klemens, I…” Matthías chokes out.

“I’m celebrating my birthday this Saturday with my family.” The blond says, his voice cold and distant – like he’s just here out of necessity and would rather be anywhere else. Which is probably the case. “You should be there if you want to keep this from our parents. Don’t worry. I won’t bother you again after.”

“Wait, Klemens. I didn’t-

“Whatever. Just be there.”

Klemens doesn’t give him another look as he walks past him and walks away. Matthías turns around again, staring after him. He wants to call out his name and walk after him and tell him just how incredibly sorry he is about everything. All he can do is stare as Klemens disappears, unable to move. Matthías is hit with a wave of nausea as it dawns on him how their relationship is spiraling down until there’s nothing left. Until now, he thought if they talked about it, maybe it’d work out. But now he is starting to feel he is losing Klemens completely. Klemens has a sharp tongue. His words are ready to go at any given moment. Matthías is slower, calculating his words before he speaks them. His cousin has always been very patient with him. Waiting until Matthías speaks before saying anything else. But when Klemens gets this frustrated or angry, he won’t listen to anything. There’s no chance he’d give Matthías a solid chance to speak up.

It hurts.

\---

Saturday morning comes faster than Matthías wants. Matthías – like every single night now – has barely slept at all. He can’t imagine what it’ll be like to be at the birthday this afternoon. His mother will see something is wrong right away. She knows him too well. He’s not a good enough actor to pretend he’s fine when he’s not. The bags under his eyes don’t help him with his case either. He can’t imagine having to sit next to Klemens. Laugh and joke around. It stings even just thinking about it. Suddenly there’s a sense of determination that washes over him. He doesn’t want this any longer. He’s sick of the uncertainty, the distance between them. He has to talk to him right this moment.

Waiting for the right moment is something that will never get him anywhere. Today’s actually one of the shittiest moments he could think of, but then, he’s never been in such a fight with Klemens ever before. Let alone on his birthday. They’ve been suffering enough, Matthías figures. He’s so worn out. So sick and tired of the stress. Einar is an absolute lifesaver for letting him crash for this long without complaints or judgment, but no matter how much Einar is their friend, he can’t crash at his place forever. He doesn’t want to. He wants to have his own space again. His own desk to study, access to all his clothes instead of just these boring old sweaters. He wants to sleep in his own bed – and at this point, it doesn’t even matter if that’d include Klemens or not. He wants things to be normal. He likes normal.

He is silent as he leaves his bed, not wanting to wake up his snoring roommate. He honest to God doesn’t understand how the man doesn’t wake himself up. That will always be a mystery. He grabs a sweater from his pile of clothes and drags a hand through his hair. Not his usual look, but it’d have to do. As he quietly leaves the room, he can feel his heartbeat pick up in his chest. He’s terrified, but it’s like it flicked a switch in his mind. He’s miserable and done with it. He ignores the pounding in his chest. Einar’s room isn’t too far from their own. It doesn’t take too long to reach it. He knocks.

“Klem?” Matthías whispers as the door opens. Klemens’ mouth presses into a thin line, and he shakes his head ever so slightly. Matthías ignores the hurt in his chest. He has to keep going now.

“What is it?”

“Can we please talk?”

“You’ve got nothing to worry about. I won’t tell a soul about our little  _ escapade _ .”

Matthías takes a deep breath and tries not to flinch. He’s getting tired of Klemens’ passive-aggressive defense mechanism. He knows Klemens too well like this. Usually, Matthías would be by his side, supporting the venomous things he said to the people that hurt his feelings. Now that he’s on the receiving end, he finally understands why it’s so upsetting. He wishes Klemens would let his guard down, even if just for a few moments. Just long enough for Matthías to say what he wants to say. But he knows Klemens won’t let that happen. Not anymore. Matthías has to be blunt if he ever wants to get his point across. He has to say the truth out loud. Plain and simple. Catching his cousin off guard.

“I want to kiss you again.”

Klemens’ mouth opens and then closes again as his eyes widen. He stops moving altogether for a good second. Then he laughs sarcastically. “ _ What? _ ” Klemens huffs. “First, you kiss me and drop me like a piece of trash, and now you want to kiss me again? You know what? Go fuck yourself, Matthías.”

“Klemens, come on. I want to talk about this. I made a huge mistake, and I miss you.”

“So what, you ignore me for three weeks straight? You couldn’t even bear to stay in the same room with me anymore.” Matthías’ fingers curl into fists as he tries to keep the tears from filling his eyes.

“I thought you’d be disgusted by me! I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable because you have some sick psycho-cousin. That’s why I left!”

Klemens growls a quick “not here” and yanks Matthías into his room, slamming the door shut. Matthías doesn’t fight it, almost glad he finally seems to be having  _ some  _ kind of conversation with his cousin. Klemens lets go of his sweater and shakes his head. “So why come to me now? Why didn’t you tell me before? Do you know that you made me believe I’m a disgusting piece of shit?”

“I… I realized that, and fuck, I’m so sorry.” He takes a deep breath, grounding himself before he continues. “I’m scared, Klem. But… I couldn’t just go to your birthday, sit there smiling and pretending we’re okay when we’re not.” Klemens stares at him, searching his eyes to see whether that’s the truth. He nods, slowly, and his shoulders slump down. The frustration that was clear on his face before slowly fading away. The blond takes a small step forward, his eyes cast down, and his fingers are reaching for the taller boy’s ones. Matthías’ breath hitches when their fingers interlace, and he looks up, finding Klemens’ eyes staring right back at him.

“I’m scared too,” he whispers. “But I liked it, Matti. I liked it so damn much.” 

Matthías swallows hard and tightens his grip on Klemens’ hand. His throat is dry, and he’s feeling short of breath, but in the very best way possible. They’re treading a thin line once more, but this time, Matthías knows it’s better to speak up than to sit back and wait for the worst. He reaches out with his free hand and gently cups Klemens’ cheek with it. The blond boy lets out a soft sigh at that and leans into the touch. A small smile plays on his lips, one Matthías knows all too well. The boy is clearly up to something. His heart flutters in his chest as they touch. They’re growing closer once again. He can feel the cold and harsh defense disappear into thin air. He can nearly feel the warmth radiating off his cousin.

“You said you wanted to kiss me again?” His voice is soft and almost fragile, but there’s definitely that playful undertone he loves so much.

“Fuck, yes, I do. Can I?”

“Please,” comes Klemens’ answer – just as Matthías had pleaded for it the first time they kissed. Matthías chuckles, happy and nervous, and he allows Klemens to pull him in closer. He caresses the boy’s cheeks as he leans in and gently presses his lips onto Klemens’. The first time they’d been full of lust. Full of desire. This time it’s so soft and caring it nearly makes Matthías tear up in happiness. Klemens’ lips are so full and warm, capturing his bottom lip and giving it an experimental suck. Matthías sighs lightly and closes his eyes now. 

This. This is what it’s supposed to feel like. Having Klemens in his arms is like coming home. It’s safe. It’s familiar. He feels protective and protected at the same time. Loved. Wanted.

When their kiss finally breaks, Klemens’ eyes are sparkling with joy. “I… I’m still scared.” His voice quiet and soft. He wraps his arms around Matthías’ waist and rests his head against his chest. “But we can make this work. I really, really want to make this work.”

“So do I, and we will,” he grins. “ _ Til hamingju með afmælið. _ ”


End file.
